What I Hate About Being Fat

As I've been coming to realization of how much I need to change my habits, I have been spending a lot of time thinking about what I want to be different.  It's a lot of work carrying around an extra 70-80 pounds. And honestly, I can't believe I am sharing some of this, but I don't feel like I can move forward in a positive way unless I acknowledge it. So here goes nothing.

1. Having my knees, back and joints pop constantly. Literally every time I walk, get out of bed, or sit in a position for too long, they pop.

2. Being winded. It’s embarrassing how often I am out of breath. It feels like more often than not. Even just laying in bed, I need to breathe through my mouth. I sometimes try to hide it by walking away or making background sounds (like running the dryer or faucet). I mean, seriously, who does that?

3. Feeling hungry pretty much all of the time and sugar cravings. Even after eating a large meal, 20 minutes later, I crave something sweet. It's a never-ending battle.

4. Having rolls. It’s so disgusting. My back under my bra. My arms. My hips are the worst. I am uncomfortable. All. The. Time.

5. Being uncoordinated. See #3. But not just due to poorly fit, despite the spandex, clothes. Everything jiggles around. I feel like I am always stomping. Even walking I feel self conscious about. I perpetually feel like Godzilla tumbling through narrow streets. I am terrified to go into store aisles with lots of glass.

6. Feeling a twinge of pain every time I walk by my reflection.

7. Feeling the need to cover myself up constantly while having a wardrobe full of clothes and only about 10-20% fit. I have so many sizes from fluctuating up and down over the years. And, I'm back in my biggest sizes.  I utterly hate shopping in the plus size section at the store. Even the cutest clothes feel frumpy and unflattering.

8. Acne. I am constantly breaking out it seems. I suppose it could be due to my moisturizer or makeup, but I am 99% confident it is my diet and lifestyle.

9. Chairs are my natural enemy. I always get a sinking feeling when I go to a movie theater, restaurant, or work training for the first time. I never know if the arms of the chair are going to cut into my sides for the next 2, 4 or 8 hours. Folding chairs and bar stools make me wonder if they are even able to support me. Having a chair collapse under me in a crowded room is one of my greatest fears.

10. My long-term health. This is probably the biggest one for me. I don't want to have to wonder if I am slowly killing myself by poor choices. I shouldn't have to worry about developing early-onset diabetes, a heart attack at the age of 30, or who knows what else.